A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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