He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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