Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
