my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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