Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't deserve a penis
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
