Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
