Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The uberlube is also flammable
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
