Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
