America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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