Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
