I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
