She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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