Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
