I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
