you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
