this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
