If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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