I didn't shave. On purpose
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
