Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
