it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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