no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
