If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
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