You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
vagina is talking i cant
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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