meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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