I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
