I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
