Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
