Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Alive.
So much puke
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
