So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Green mimosas i think yes
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
