she looked like the before picture.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
