i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
