I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
