But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
