one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
