She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
