I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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