today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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