I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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