Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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