Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
