This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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