I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
