bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
