i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
