she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
