Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
