i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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