so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
