Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
