So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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