I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize