either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
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Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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