dude i'm inner monologue high
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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