Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
