i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
