I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
