I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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