I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
