he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
