I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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