You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
