Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
