i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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