I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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