There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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